Greatest B Movie, Ever.

Robot Jox

So here's the short version of how I got this movie. I went out to Media Play to look for nice deals, well, relatively nice. If you didn't know, Media Play is going out of business (I don't know how widely they are spread in the US) and everything is discounted. Funny thing, is that since Media Play marked up their prices the discounts put their stuff back in range with Best Buy, basically. I had hoped to find a copy of Star Trek III, since it's the only Star Trek movie I'm missing. No luck finding it, but they had about 14 copies of Robot Jox sitting all together in its own section of DVDs. I remember the movie from when I was a kid, and remembered it being good, but not what it was about. Being very curious I picked it up for the price of a Walmart bargin bin pull.

So what's the movie like? The plot is very basic, two Robot Jox (pilots) have it out for each other, and they do stuff to make each other fight each other. Also, the acting is very stiff and stereotypical. The 'bad guys' are basically Cold War Russians, though their accent switches from Russian to Western European. Oh yeah, and luckily both the good guys and bad guys hang out in the same bar, even though they fight for the world.

There are basically three characters you need to keep up with, and yes these are their real names. Achilles, the nearly monotone hero of the movie. Alexander, the villainous Dracula-inspired communist who likes breaking the rules. Athena, the tomboyish girl who falls in love with the hero and battles to bad guy to save the hero, and gets herself nearly killed to provide motive for the hero when he finally battles the bad guy. Finally there are two other not-so-important characters, the flamboyantly Texan hero of the past (named Tex Conway) and the stereotypical intelligent Japanese scientist that develops the super secret weapons (whose name I cannot remember).

Like I said, the acting is stiff and mostly pointless filler. You don't feel for any of the characters, and they provide nothing for the movie. You should also know that the dialogue is cheesy, and usually over compensated by extreme facial expressions (especially by Athena). I should note that Athena could be considered cute in some ways, except for her horrible hair. I'm usually not that picky about hair, but this is a bad mess of a swept back mullet pulled into a rat-tail twist. I can't find an image, but take my word on it.

Ok, so two of the three main areas of a good movie are a bust, how is the third one - special effects? Surprisingly good, more so if you are a fan of mecha (Battletech, Transformers, Gundam, even ED-209 and Lego fans will more than likely love this film). Obviously you can tell some scenes are overlayered and greenscreened, but the effects are still handled well.

Here's the tally of what you'll get:
-Hero is his with a sedative and fights the female pilot, they tear up the room, and the hero wrestles the girl onto his bed and tries to kiss her (which she bites him and kicks him in the groin, allowing her to leave)
-Laserbeams, missiles, pneumatic punching, rocket-punches, spiked mace, and jetpacks
-Different mech designs (Biped and Quad, short and tall)
-Extreme espionage action
-Pro-steroid storyline
-Multiple battles in different environments (well, three battles in two different areas)
-Classic opening narrative After World War III, war was outlawed...

Ok, that doesn't make you want to see the movie, here are bonus points!

-The hero attempts to save the crowd at one battle, but ends up having his mech fall on the crowd, killing hundreds instead of a handful that would have been killed otherwise - causing the match to become a draw!
-Final battle goes from land into space, and back to earth - ending with a sticks and stones as the pilots face themselves one-on-one death match style, with fire!
-There is no sound in space!
-Achilles's mech gets damaged in the ankle!
-Mech transformers from mech to airplane, and from mech to tank-mech-thing that drives around like he's sitting!
-Surprise twist ending!

Now here are the really absurdist that need mentioning, and may push some of you to seek the movie out...

-Chainsaw from the groin area as a phalic weapon, attacking the cockpit of the other mech!
-Bare butt shots of both Achilles and Athena, so both camps of fans will be pleased!

That's all I've got, go rent it. It really is an increadible movie if you can get past the acting. In fact, you should go out and get it, and if worse comes to worst just fast forward to the battles. This is the closest you're going to get to an American mecha film, aside from the sequel Robot Wars.